


The Shape of your Love

by Blackness



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Dysphoria, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Boys Kissing, Cis Author, Comfort, Coping Mechanisms, Discussion of Abortion, Drama, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Family Feels, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Roles, Hormon Replacement Therapy, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, Love, M/M, Making Out, Medical Procedures, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Graphic Smut, Panic, Panic Attacks, Post-Time Skip, Pregnancy, Pregnancy Journey, Sex, Sex scenes will be implied but not explicit, Testosterone shots, Trans Akaashi Keiji, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Volleyball, a transman gets pregnant, mental health, mentions of dysphoria, please dont crucify me I am trying, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28129935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackness/pseuds/Blackness
Summary: When a series of unfortunate events leads to Keiji missing his testosterone shot, he tries to ignore his initial panic. It is fine; he missed a shot before. He will just get one the week after New Year's and all will be fine. Then comes the Black Jackals Christmas party and a lot of alcohol... and before he knows it, him and Koutarou are to drunk to remember the condom... A month later, with a positive pregnancy test in hand, it is not so easy to ignore the panic anymore.---This story will have to endings: One where Keiji decided to have an abortion and one where he decides to continue the pregnancy. More in the notes for chapter 4 and 5.TRIGGER WARNING: A trans man gets pregnant. Discussion of Abortion, Mentions of dysphoria and other, possibly triggering topics. Warnings will be added to each chapter respectively. This work will have no explicit sex-scenes.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 24
Kudos: 59





	1. week 0

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note:  
> I debated hard a long whether to write this. I have been researching how to write trans characters, about hormone therapy, about the general view trans and non-binary people have on this type of story (etc. etc.) for weeks now.  
> Trans man getting pregnant in fanfictions seems to be very controversially discussed. Some people like it, some don't mind it, some absolutely f***ing hate it. That is fine and valid.  
> Me, as a cis-author, is also controversial. Especially since I put my protagonist at the center of such an sensitive topic. I still wanted to do it - exploring this field is very interesting to me. Writing forces me to change perspective in a way, so I want to dive into the challenges and problems and feelings that are related to trans pregnancy. So ultimately, I ended up starting this fanfiction. I will try to treat this as sensitively and considerately as possible. Trigger Warnings (when necessary) will be put in front of each chapter.  
> So please, for those of you who are not cis; Tell me what you do not like! Tell what you like too! Tell me where I should do better or where my language is off. Tell me about your experiences, so I can portray Akaashi's feelings better. Anything, really! I'd love to have discussion and learn from you (as long as it's not straight up hate) :) Feel free to comment or, if you'd rather stay anonymous: Slip into my ask box on tumblr.  
> https://blacknessfandomcorner2.tumblr.com/
> 
> One disclaimer I'd like to make: I read into the fetishization of trans people in porn, fanfiction and so on and decided to leave explicit sex scenes out of this story. I will allude to them at some point, I will write heavy kissing scenes and the like too, but that's where I draw the line. So if you're here for something steamy, you will be disappointed. 
> 
> Last but not least, my usual disclaimer: Please have mercy on me when it comes to word choice, spelling or grammar - English is not my first language. It is really hard to tell what word choice is appropriate even in your native language sometimes, it's even hard in a foreign one. 
> 
> Please enjoy~

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Anxiety. Hints of dysphoria. Heavy kissing/petting and implicit sex scene in the end.

‘CLOSED’

The sign stares back at him mockingly. It feels like it is laughing at him; the ultimate humiliation at the end of a completely, utterly, _truly_ terrible day. Keiji stares back it, shocked. How can this be? He checked the opening times just this morning! Google said it would be open until after he finished work!

He checks his wristwatch again. 7.34 pm. The pharmacy should be open until 8 today. His jaw clenches uncomfortably.

_Dear customers, due to the upcoming Christmas celebrations, we will be closing our store at 6pm on December 24 th. _

Akaashi Keiji curses himself for trusting in google.

-

It is Christmas. Christmas means he gets to take a week off; until after New Year. Christmas means Keiji finally gets to relax. And most importantly, Christmas means that Keiji gets to see Koutarou again. This thought, and this thought alone, is what brought him through the last two weeks of busy Christmas preparations. Manga and magazine specials need extra editing and therefore extra time, the creators and publishers have all been on their last legs for weeks now. Through all of this hustle and bustle, only one thought kept Keiji going:

_Tonight, I am going to see Koutarou._

He accidentally sleeps in that morning – the exhaustion finally getting the better of him - waking up in a panic only 20 minutes before the last train he can take to make it to work in time leaves. Breakfast is skipped and so is his shower; he will just have to shower at Koutarou’s place, all the way in Osaka. An extra spritz of cologne does the trick, Keiji sprinting out of the door while he is still fumbling with his tie only minutes later.

The train is absolutely packed with people. What feels like a thousand stranger press up against him at some part of his body or other and Keiji feels his heart beat just a little faster. Even after all those years, after all the growing he did, after all the milestones he hit in becoming more comfortable in his body… he still hates being touched by strangers. Or really anyone except for a very select group of people.

 _Tonight, I am going to see Koutarou_.

It is cold outside and Keiji buries deeper into his thick winter scarf when he exits the station. Just one more day of work. Just one more day of urgent last-minute editing and calls with creators and the publishing department. Just one more day. One more day.

He feels like he is going a thousand kilometres per minute – his thoughts stumbling and tumbling, his voice cracking with how fast he speaks, stress and an overload of coffee making his hands shake... Lunch has to be skipped, his boss has to be called twice in the morning alone and Keiji? Keiji – of course – has to do overtime.

_Tonight, I am going to see Koutarou._

He repeats the thought like a mantra. He repeats it when his boss tells him he has to stay late. He repeats it when he watches his co-workers leave one by one, as he is still involved in an intense phone call with their Nagasaki branch. He repeats it when everything that could possibly still go wrong; goes wrong.

_Tonight, I am going to see Koutarou._

_I’m finally going to see Koutarou!_

It has been six weeks. Six damned, lonely weeks. Leaning back with a long, exasperate sigh, Keiji massages his temples. There is the faint scratch of a headache in the back of his skull, but he chooses to ignore it. His watch laughs at him in bright, white numbers: 6.48p.m., making him frown. He was supposed to go home at four… good thing he packed his things last night.

_I’m going to see Koutarou!_

_I’m going to talk to him and hug him and kiss him…_

_All damn week._

Keiji checks his phone while he power-walks out of the publishing house. The pharmacy is open until eight, so… go home, get luggage, go to the pharmacy, take the train to Tokyo station and then the shinkansen to Osaka at 8.13pm. Simple. It should work out just fine in the little time he has left. He can always just eat on the train or once he arrives…

-

Now, barely an hour later, Keiji curses himself for ever trusting in google. He curses his boss too, for keeping him longer. He curses his own recklessness of not getting his testosterone earlier this week, of thinking it would all just work out smoothly today – big mistake.

‘CLOSED’

He scowls the sign as it laughs back at him mockingly.

Why? Why now? This was supposed to be a good day! An even better evening! And the best night ever! He was completely certain that absolutely nothing could ruin his mood today, but this? Why on earth does he have to miss his testosterone shot of all things?

Anxiety settles in his stomach, gripping his stomach and clawing its way up to his heart; making it beat faster. This is fine, this is okay… he missed a shot before and nothing happened, it will be fine.

It will be fine.

It will be fine.

It. Will. Be. Fine.

Rationally speaking, he knows that. Logic tells him so, but… this is not so much about logic, this is more about feelings. And his gut tells him that this is a huge deal, because he absolutely _needs_ those hormones. He _needs_ them. He needs them to be… well, him. Period.

The unease does not leave him. Not when he makes his way to the train station, not when he finds his seat and not when he texts Koutarou when he will be arriving. It is still there, omnipresent in the back of his mind, like an itch he simply cannot scratch. Silently torturing him.

What if his voice changes? What if his muscles lessen? What is Koutarou notices?!

Keiji does not notice he is pinching himself until his nails dig into his arms so hard, they almost break skin. “Okay… it’s okay… it’s going to be fine.”

It is just a week. Just one single week. Then he can go and schedule a new appointment for a new prescription and get his shot. Just one week. He can do it. This will not ruin his time with Koutarou! It will not ruin the first time he sees his boyfriend in almost six weeks! It will not! Keiji will not let this get in the way of _their_ Christmas.

Nothing will happen in one week.

One week is nothing.

Nothing.

-

“AKAASHI!!”

It is late when he arrives in Osaka. Still, the train is packed and Keiji almost stumbles over his luggage when he exits the card; people pushing behind and past him. He makes it out of the crowd in a frenzy, sorting his things in a quieter corner a little off the main area when he finally registers, that someone has been calling for him all this time.

“AKAASHI! AKAASHI!”

Keiji whirls around in a frenzy, scanning the crowd for that signature white and black hair. Then he sees him; Koutarou. He is at the other end of the giant blop of people exiting the train, hopping up and down excitedly, waving at him. He already spotted Keiji, golden eyes fixed on him intensely, his face a radiating sunshine.

“Kou-” Finally, the crowd clears enough for the other to make his way over to Keiji’s corner, grinning broadly. The dark-haired man stares at him in confusion. “What are you doing here?! It’s late and you had training!” He was supposed to just take a taxi to the other’s apartment – they texted about that just an hour ago.

Koutarou grins even broader now, stretching his arms wide. “I wanted to pick you up.” It is not really an explanation, but it conjures a smile onto Keiji’s face none the less. He steps forward into the embrace, slinging both of his arms around Koutarou’s broad torso, both of them melting into the other’s embrace. The smell of shower gel and shampoo clings to him – Koutarou must have been home for a quick shower at last… he must be wiped from training, but still came to pick him up… Keiji’s smile brightens. He feels all the stress and anxiety and worries of the last few weeks bleed out of him.

“I missed you.” He whispers it, so only Koutarou can hear. The arms around him tighten. “I missed you too, Keiji…”

They have been together for over six years now but hearing his first name from him still sends shivers down his spine.

-

Koutarou is like a living furnace. His warmth and gentle snores lull Keiji to sleep easily. He sleeps like the dead, cuddled up close to the other, limbs entangled, bodies pressed close. It is the first time in a long time that he gets a full night of sleep.

He wakes the next morning to their breakfast eggs, sizzling in a pan and a shirtless Koutarou standing at the stove – one of his favourite sights in the world. For a long moment, Keiji just lies there, eyes still heavy with sleep, watching the other work.

“Like what you see?”

He must have spaced out, because the next thing Keiji sees is the other standing at foot of his bed, wiggling his eyebrow suggestively.

“Very.” He smirks, sitting up carefully and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “What’s for breakfast?”

“Eggs, bacon, toast… your favourite brand of coffee.”

Koutarou does not drink coffee, he prefers tea. Still, he will make sure to get Keiji’s favourite whenever he is visiting. It is unnecessary, but so very sweet… his heart jump every dingle time.

They start eating in relative silence – only the sound of their chopsticks and the silent voices on the radio keeping them company. It is so peaceful, so incredibly domestic… Keiji truly feels at home. Not because he is in Osaka, but because he is with Koutarou. It is corny to think, but the truth none the less. He watches the other eat for a long moment, secretly smiling into his cup.

Koutarou is his home, but he is not quite ready to tell him that.

It is warm in the apartment, the coffee and hot meal just adding to the temperature, so Keiji rolls his sleeves up and-

“Keiji, have you been pinching yourself?” Bokuto reaches for his arm, making him stretch it out so he can examine the bruise better. The touch makes him stiffen, his body locking up then suddenly, the previous day’s anxiety returns to him in full force. Right… right, he almost forgot…

_I had to miss my testosterone shot._

His lips press into a thin line as he shifts on his chair uncomfortably. The bruise is not even that bad – he has had far worse. Still, Koutarou knows something is up, he can tell by the way the other looks at him. The pinching habit is quiet a bad one; his go-to method of preventing anxiety from getting too bad… especially in public places, like the train yesterday. Koutarou knows about it. He knows that Keiji does and why he does it and he keeps looking out for fresh bruises whenever they meet. He does not know if he should be annoyed or flattered sometimes.

“Did something happen?”

“I- uhm…” Keiji finds himself scratching the back of his head nervously. “It’s not that bad, really.”

“Are you sure?”

He does not have to tell him. Koutarou would understand if he did not. He would be sad too though… and worry for the rest of their time together… especially if Keiji kept pinching himself, which he undoubtedly will, because he missed his fucking testosterone shot.

“I just… I had to do overtime yesterday and when I finally got off… the pharmacy was closed.” His hand almost automatically wanders to his forearm to pinch… pinch…pinch the anxiety away that suddenly flares up- Koutarou grabs it, holding it in his tightly.

“You couldn’t get your shot?”

“N-no…” The sigh that escapes him is long and heavy. “Look, I- I know we’ve been over this and I know… I know I’ll be fine… it’s kinda stupid to get all nervous about it, I-”

“Bullshit!” Just like that, Koutarou cuts him off. And for a moment, he looks so scarily serious, Keiji freezes. The other squeezes both of his hands tightly, a gentle smile forming on his face again. “It’s not stupid at all, it’s how you feel.”

A nod is all he manages in response. Right… right… he does not have to pretend with Koutarou. He made that clear so many times before, how is it that Keiji keeps forgetting that?

_Because most people aren’t like that._

At least to him, most people are not.

“YOOOSH!” It happens so fast; he has trouble processing what is happening. One moment, they sit down, holding hands over the table – the next Koutarou has sprung up, pulled Keiji up to and taken his face into both of his hands. His smile is so bright it could illuminate the darkest night, the corners of his eyes crinkling with joy. “We’ll just have to go on the best Christmas date ever and distract you lots!”

Keiji smiles. “Idiot.” As if things were just that easy. “Let’s go then.”

-

It is a good day. They go out to look at the ocean for a while, then they have lunch at one of Koutarou’s favourite places. Darkness falls soon at this time of the year, so they wander around the city for a long time, marvelling at the Christmas lights. Koutarou kisses him under one of the big Christmas trees they find – it is so incredibly perfect… Keiji melts into the kiss, not caring about the people around them.

“KANPAI!”

He is not quite sure how many times they have toasted by now. Keiji sits at the very back of the karaoke booth, contently pressed up against Miya-san on one side and a good amount of space to Sakusa-san on his other side. The room spins a little as he keeps sitting on his beer. He stopped counting at can number four.

Music is blaring too loud to actually talk to anyone, so Keiji contends himself with watching the fierce karaoke battle Koutarou and Hinata are currently involved in.

“Atsumuuuuu, get away, away….” Koutarou is swaying and red-faced, desperately trying to push the blonde away. “Akaashi’s my boyfriend…” He almost crawls onto his lap at this point, slinging both of his arms around Keiji’s neck and pulling him in for a sloppy kiss. “Miiiine.”

Miya-san makes a gagging motion while he moves away, snickering to himself. “If you’re so needy get a room, Bo.”

Keiji feels himself blush at the comment, his body growing hot with embarrassment and something… much more dirty as Koutarou keeps pressing their bodies closer together. All the while, he still tries to kiss him, but keeps missing his lips.

Now is not the time… or the place… Keiji bites his lip, squirming a little. If they leave now it will look totally obvious. Finally, Koutarou manages to press their mouths together, tongue drunkenly demanding entrance- Keiji almost sees his last fuck go out of the window. He pushes the other man off him, standing in a hurried frenzy while starting to gather his things.

“Kou… let’s go home.”

The Black Jackals see them off with a mixture of cheers and suggestive noises, but Keiji is too far gone to care anymore.

He had to wait six weeks. Six goddamn, awfully long weeks… he will get what he wants tonight.

They barely make it into the apartment before they start tearing each other’s clothes off, leaving a trail from the door the bed. His shirt comes off and he finds Koutarou’s lips easily again, locking them together like puzzle pieces. Hands roam over his back and torso, rough thumbs gently tracing the scars on his chest… His hands dig into the other’s biceps. Koutarou tastes like alcohol and grilled meat and something so distinctly _Koutarou_ …. Keiji feels as if he is going to melt. It is hot, it feels like he is burning from the inside out when the other drag his tongue across the pulse point on his neck. A moan tumbles from his lips. The back of his knees hits the bed suddenly and he folds into himself, landing on the soft mattress with Koutarou hovering over him like a predator. Their hands roam further. Suddenly, fingers toy with the hem of his pants, making his eyes snap open in anticipation.

“Keiji…” Koutarou’s voice is rough with lust. “I-is this okay…” There is a bulge pressing against his thigh there the other is straddling his lap. Keiji simply nods, too caught up in the moment to find his voice. The kiss that follows is even more heated; tongues dancing, teeth clinking, both of them panting and moaning into the others mouth… Keiji lifts his hips a little, pants coming off…


	2. week 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this three times before I was satisfied! Poor Keiji is in for a rough ride... the next chapter will be rough, so strap in my dear readers.  
> As a cis-author, I am very open to hearing from any trans or non-binary readers and their thoughts on my writing! Feel free to leave your honest opinion down below or leave a dm/ask on tumblr :)))  
> Let me know what you think in the comments and make sure to visit me on tumblr!  
> https://blacknessfandomcorner2.tumblr.com/

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Anxiety and Panic Attacks, Mentions of periods and early pregnancy symptoms.

“There you go, Akaashi-san.”

The nurse smiles at him sweetly while she hands him his new, updated prescription. Finally. Keiji heaves a sigh of relief as he takes from her, standing and bowing in goodbye. After ten days of forced break, he can finally get back on track with his injections. Things can finally go back to the way they are supposed to be. The relief he feels is almost overwhelming.

He makes his way home all smiles and humming gently. It is a good day. A good week. All is good.

All is well.

-

A month later, on the last Friday of January and only two weeks before Koutarou will come to visit him again between games, Keiji excuses himself from his department’s weekly meeting. _Twice_. To use the bathroom. It is odd really, he has never had to do this before, let alone twice in a row.

“I have to cut back on the coffee…” He eyes his cup suspiciously when he returns to his desk afterwards. At the end of the month he almost always runs on caffeine, so it really should not be a surprise that all the liquid has to find a way… out somehow…

It does not stay a single occurrence though. He continues to go to the bathroom far more often than before for the next week too. It feels like suddenly, out of nowhere, his bladder shrunk. This is not normal. Keiji knows. The thought itches in the back of his mind again and again and again… At first, he thinks it might be an infection – he is more prone to those after all, plus it is winter – but he does not have any other symptoms. So… it cannot be that, right?

_What is it then, Keiji?_

_What are you missing?_

He does not have time to ponder on it much. Akaashi Keiji is a working man – he has deadlines to meet and supervisors to meet. So, he powers through it all. He powers through the frequent bathroom breaks and the bloating that occurs suddenly, during the last week of January. He powers through the inexplicable exhaustion that assaults him too; exhaustion so strong, not even his unhealthy amount of coffee can battle it. So, he drinks even more of it. And as a reward, he gets even more bathroom breaks.

Those things keep going on and on and on with no end in sight and by day ten, Keiji is pretty sure that… something is wrong. Or at least off. He just… cannot tell what it is exactly.

“Ah-”

Keiji flinches as soon as his torso submerges into the hot bath water. Why on earth it his chest so tender? Why… why does the simple touch of water almost hurt? He stares down at his body when it suddenly dawns on him; the bloating… cramping… his tender chest… those are the same symptoms he used to have back when he still got his-

Even thinking it makes him shudder.

Keiji does not allow the word to enter his mind, does not allow himself to go back in time, to remember those ima-

Suddenly, he cannot stand his naked body. Suddenly, he hates looking at himself. He hates his bloated abdomen and the light cramping he is feeling. He hates his scars and his hands and… and… He… he… his hands start shaking before he can process what his happening. He shudders, even though the water around him feel too hot out of nowhere – boiling him alive.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Keiji does not care that he is getting water everywhere or that he is dripping all over the floor. He runs from the bathroom, avoids any mirror or reflective surface he still has, he does not even dry himself off properly. Instead, he digs through his drawer until he finds the hoodie Koutarou left and pulls over his head before he has a chance to actually, properly hyperventilate. Then he buries himself under two blankets.

It is past midnight. He really should not call Koutarou, tomorrow is Saturday and the Black Jackals have a game, but- BUT!

“Keiji?” The other picks up after seconds, making his breath hitch. “Keiji, what’s wrong? You don’t usually call this late!”

Sometimes he hates how well the other man can read him. It used to be him who could read Koutarou like an open book. But now… after all those years… the other has caught up to him after all.

“T-tell me something good.” His whole body is shaking like a leaf with desperately suppressed panic.

“Keiji?” He sounds positively worried now.

“K-kou… please…” Keiji pulls his blanket tighter around his body. “Please, just… just talk to me?”

There is a rustling sound on the other end, then a thoughtful hum and then, finally, Koutarou starts talking. He talks about everything and anything – what he had for breakfast, that he saw the most adorable cat on his morning run, that he spiked extra hard at training today…

They both pretend he does not hear Keiji’s shuddering breaths or quiet sniffles. Instead, he just keeps talking. He talks until Keiji’s racing heart finally starts to slow a little. He talks until the shaking subsides. He talks until Keiji can feel most of the anxiety bleed out of him, until he can breathe again, until he feels his mind go warm and fuzzy with sleep-

Keiji does not notice he is falling asleep.

There will be questions tomorrow. Koutarou will ask and Keiji will answer. But now? Now, it is only Koutarou’s voice, drowning out his screaming anxieties and raging panic, until nothing remains – only sleep.

-

When he is shaken awake the next morning by a bout of nausea so bad, he spends half an hour retching over his toilet, Keiji chokes it up to anxiety. It is not the first time this happened after anxiety attack.

The same thing happens on Sunday. One moment he is fine, sitting down with his newest book while sipping on a cup of tea, the next he is sprinting to the bathroom. He is still anxious though, so Keiji, again, chokes it up to anxiety. His other symptoms still have not lessened either; he is still bloated and cramping a little and his chest is tender, and he is oh so exhausted…

“Just a bit longer…” He tells himself while panting heavily, leaned over the toilet bowl. These sorts of things do not last long – a couple of days at most, so he should be fine in a day or two… just fine…

_What if you’re not fine though? What if it’s something serious? What if you’ll actually get a pe-_

Thankfully, the nagging voice in his head is cut off by another round of dry heaving.

-

Monday rolls around faster than he expected. Before Keiji notices, he has been sitting in his office chair for hours already, finishing up the first tasks of the day. It helps distract him; working. It takes his mind off his still raging stomach and _almost_ spiralling thoughts.

“Akaashi-kun!” Hirano-san waves at him when he looks up, all round cheeks and bright smiles. Keiji likes her – has known her for some time already. They met in a literature course during their second year at college and coincidentally started working at the same department, in the same publishing house the year after. It is nice – to have someone here who is in the same position as him. “Do you want to get lunch with us?” There are two other women standing behind her, who Keiji vaguely knows. One is named Takahashi and the other… what was it again… I-Ito? Something like that.

“Akaashi-kun?”

Caught, he scrambles to stand, grabbing his wallet. “Ah, yeah, sorry… I was just spacing out.”

They start walking. His stomach churns with the new movement and Keiji swallows thickly. This is not good… the thought of being surrounded by the smell of food is terrible, but he skipped breakfast already and it is late noon, so…

He _has_ to eat something sooner or later.

They eat lunch at a close-by noodle place and Keiji orders the absolutely plainest sounding bowl of ramen he can find on the menu. His iron grip on his stomach falters when it is set down in front of him, but he still goes to grab the chopsticks with shaky fingers. The others keep talking to each other around him. He tried to listen at first but gave up shortly after. It is either listen or throw up and he is not about to do the latter in front of three co-workers. That is until-

“Hirano-san, didn’t you faint on Thursday? I heard rumours.”

Right, Keiji heard that too… Hirano was not at work on Friday, he is pretty sure about that too. He watches her blush, sitting next to him and fiddling with her blouse’s sleeves nervously.

“I- I did…”

They all look at her worriedly now. Keiji even forgets about his stomach for a long moment. That is, until she continues.

“Please don’t worry. It’s just that…” The pause seems endless. “I’m pregnant.”

Ah.

The gears start turning in his head.

Out of nowhere, it all clicks into place. It crashes down on Keiji like a ton of bricks – dragging him down in an endless spiral of anxiety and panic. The bloating, the cramping, the fact that he has to pee every two hours, his tender chest, the upset stomach in the morning…

But… but he cannot be… No. No, no, no. Oh no. Nope. Definitely not.

He missed his testosterone shot.

But they use contraception! They always use condoms, always have!

Except that one night after the Christmas party… after they tumbled onto Koutarou’s bed in a heated frenzy, drunk out off their minds and horny… did they- did they use one?

Keiji cannot recall.

He does not know.

HE DOES NOT KNOW.

“Akaashi-kun?”

Hirano-san’s hand is squeezing his shoulder he suddenly realizes. He turns to her; wide-eyed and shaky, white as a sheet.

_Get a grip. Get a grip. Get a grip._

He cannot slip up now. He cannot let them know that something is wrong – cannot… cannot tell them about… Underneath the table, his fingernails dig into the skin of his forearm until they draw blood. It hurts, but the pain ironically helps ground him in reality.

“Congratulations.” He barely hears his own voice over the rush of blood in his ears. His smile is forced – Keiji just hopes they buy it. “That’s amazing news, Hirano-san.” The other two seem too, only Hirano-san keeps giving him worried side-glances for the rest of their meal.

 _Keep it together, Keiji_.

He buys himself a gigantic cup of coffee on their way back to the office building and takes a sip whenever he feels the impending panic attack come too close.

_Keep it together, Keiji._

He does not talk to anyone for the rest of the day, finishing his tasks with iron focus.

_Keep it together, Keiji._

The cashier’s smile is so sweetly delighted when he puts the pregnancy test on the counter. She must think it is for his girlfriend… that he is about to be a father soon… if she only knew.

 _Keep it together, Keiji_.

His knees almost fold under him when he takes his shoes off. Somehow, Keiji manages to stumble into his bathroom, fumbling with the package all the way there.

_Keep it together, Keiji._

His hands shake so bad he can barely make out the letters on the instruction leaflet.

_Keep it together, Keiji._

_Keep it together, Keiji._

_KEEP IT TOGETHER, KEIJI._


	3. the painful truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote this 3 times until I was at least halfway satisfied...  
> Poor Akaashi... but don't worry, he finally gets some support!  
> Let me know what you think in the comments and visit me on tumblr:  
> https://blacknessfandomcorner2.tumblr.com/

TRIGGER WARNING: Panic Attacks/Anxiety, a transman get pregnant, Dysphoria

Mentions of female (inner) organs, medical procedures relating to pregnancy. 

The apartment is deadly silent. There is no noise except for the rushing of blood in his ears and his own, heavy breathing. Keiji sits on the closed toilet lid, staring blankly at the white plastic stick he is holding.

This is not happening. This just cannot be happening. He did not have those… those symptoms for a week straight. He did not sleep with Koutarou without contraception and he most certainly, did not just pee on a stick.

He did not just pee on a stick.

He did NOT pee on a stick.

His teeth dig into his bottom lip so hard he tastes blood; hands shaking, heart hammering against his ribs, his leg bouncing nervously- Then suddenly, he forgets how to breathe.

Positive

Just like that, time stops. Keiji’s rushing thoughts stop. His heart skips a beat.

Positive

His hands start shaking so bad he almost drops the stick. Then his arms start too, then his legs…until his whole body shudders with pure, unfiltered terror. The test is positive. Cold sweat pours from him, covering every inch of his skin. Keiji can feel it trickle down his neck and the side of his face – he is too hot and too cold and then too hot again. The test is positive. It feels like he forgot how to breathe – his lungs just will not draw in the much-needed air, making his chest feel painfully tight. The test is positive.

Positive, positive, positive.

“No…” His voice is hoarse with silent horror. “No, no, no… no… NO!”

This cannot be happening. This is not happening. Not to him- he is… he is a man! Men do not carry children! Men do not get- Men do not- They do not-

 _Men do not get pregnant_.

Keiji stifles a desperate sob, shoulders shaking violently when he hates his face in his hands. Why… why is this happening to him? Why… why is he such a freak? Abnormal. A monster. Why does Koutarou even love him, when he is like this?

_He won’t love you after this. How could he ever love you again?_

It feels like his heart breaks into a million pieces. How could he love him after this? How? How could he ever fall in love with him? With everything Keiji is… and most importantly; is _not_. And now, it will be over. Now, he will be alone again. Now, Koutarou will finally see as the failure that he is-

No.

No.

No.

It cannot be over. This cannot be the end! It- it cannot be!

There has to be a mistake… somewhere! Something has to be wrong… with the test!

“It’s a false positive…” Keiji barely whispers the thought. Right. Right, right, right. “False positive, false… it’s false, the test is damaged. It must be… expired… or something!” He stands numbly, still staring at the cursed pink plus sign. “Right, I just… I just have to get another… a… a good one and then… then…” Things will go back to normal then. Everything will be okay then. Because the test will work properly, and it will be negative and Keiji can go back to his normal, cherished life. He will go back to his relationship with Koutarou, go back to work, go back to living like he is supposed to! Like he was meant to!

He slips his shoes on in a frenzy, running out of the door before he knows where is going. Down the street, to the metro station, into the next quarter- If he bought a test from on of the drug stores he frequents, he would never be able to look the cashier in the eyes again. He vaguely aware that he is sweating, his shirt sticking to his back uncomfortably, his fingers numb with anxiety. Keiji walks and walks and walks, between the skyscrapers and neon-lights of the early evening. The atmosphere is calm, a shocking contrast to the screaming thoughts that assault him again and again and again- He only vaguely knows this part of the city – it offers the anonymity he so desperately needs right now.

“Welcome to our store!” The two girls at the register bow, big smiles and rosy cheeks. Keiji ignores them, ducking into the closest aisle of pharmacy supplies. It takes him only a few seconds to locate the tests. He stares at them, heartbeat quickening uncomfortably as he picks up what looks to be the most expensive kind.

His hand shakes so bad he almost drops it.

_Calm down Keiji. Calm down… calm down…_

He swallows thickly, breaths heavy. The girls at the front of the store look at him in confusion, he can feel their eyes at the back of his head.

_Calm down… you need to calm down…_

Sweat trickles down his back, his vision blurring… He cannot breathe properly.

_Not now, please… please, not now…_

The breakdown is so close he can practically taste it. Keiji digs his nails into his forearm until they break skin. It hurts and burns, but it brings him back to reality a little-

_Pay for the test, go home, take the test, see that it’s negative. Easy. No need to panic._

_No need to panic._

_Not need to pa-_

“Akaashi?” He flinches violently before his whole body locks up – freezing right then and there. Keiji knows that voice. He knows this person, knows who it is, who that voice belongs to- “Akaashi, that’s you, isn’t it?!”

He stumbles away when a hand suddenly touches his shoulder, turning to face the person, eyes-wide, breathing fast- Kuroo stares at him in confusion. For a moment, nothing happens, then, the other’s eyes dart to the package Keiji is holding. Then back to Keiji. Back to the package. Back to Keiji. He can see the gears start turning in Kuroo’s head, can see the dots connecting, the idea forming- Kuroo _knows_. Kuroo knows what Keiji is… he knows where he came from, where he was and how he got here. He was there. He knows. He understands. Because Kuroo… Kuroo is the same.

His face falls, mouth open, eyes wide, realization painting his face painfully. “Shit-” The pause is long and awkward. Keiji feels his body sway, the panic rising, rising, rising- He cannot breathe. He cannot speak. Or think. “Akaashi- Don’t tell me!” Kuroo rips the package from him, examining it closely. “Shit, shit, shit- okay, okay, c’mon, I have one at home.”

The package drops to the ground as Kuroo grabs him, pulling him along. The sound seems incredibly loud in Keiji’s ringing ear. They run out of the store, down the street, around the corner, further, further, further, until they reach an apartment building. Keiji lets it happen. He just… lets it all unfold in front of him, barely registering where they are walking, too caught up in his racing thoughts and impending panic- At some point, he just zones out.

“Akaashi?”

He stands in Kuroo’s genkan when he becomes somewhat aware again, the other looking at him expectantly. There is a package in his hand, which he holds out to Keiji.

And just like that… reality comes crashing down on him. _Hard._

“C’mon, take it.”

_Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down, calm dow-_

The most animalistic sound escapes him when his knees give out suddenly, making him crash to the wooden floor. Keiji screams. He screams in fear and agony and terror. At least it feels as if he does. He screams and cries and shakes and pants- right there, on Kuroo’s hallway floor. There is spit on his chin, tears on his cheeks, sweat covering his entire body-

“Akaashi! Akaashi, I need you to calm down!”

His fingers are icy cold, tingling numbly from the lack of oxygen. Keiji struggles to breathe, clawing at his chest desperately. He finds himself in Kuroo’s arms suddenly, pressed firmly against the other’s chest as he holds him tight, trying desperately to calm him down.

There is no calming him anymore.

There is no stopping this anymore.

He has been holding on for far too long already.

“C’mon, you haven’t even taken the-”

“IT’LL BE POSITIVE!” He sobs, burying his face against Kuroo’s chest. “I KNOW IT’LL BE! IT- IT’S NOT…” Breathing is hard. It hurt so much… just drawing in enough oxygen hurts so, so much- “IT’S NOT THE- THE FIRST- IT’S NOT THE FIRST ONE!”

This time, it is Kuroo who freezes. “Shit… SHIT! Are- are you sure?!”

“K-kuroo…”

His voice is gone now, swallow by his panicked breathing, blocked by the painful lump in his throat. The tears flow freely and all Keiji can do is nod- He looks up at the other in sheer desperation. _Help me_ , he wants to say. _Please help me, make this all go away… make it disappear… wake me up from this nightmare_. His voice just will not come. And Kuroo… Kuroo does nothing. Kuroo cannot do anything for him… except holding him.

Then suddenly, he just… _is not._

It is not the first time that this happens to him. It is not the first time Keiji checks out of his body like it is a cheap motel room. It is not the first time he watches himself retreat, watches himself loose all control over his body, watches himself from above…

Kuroo is still cradling the crying, panting mess that he currently is, gently rocking their bodies back and forth. He is talking sweet nothings too, but Keiji is too far gone to make out what he is saying exactly. His chest hurts… and he claws at it, ripping two of the buttons off his shirt. It is hard to breathe- impossible to breathe-

Keiji loses consciousness.

-

“’kaashi, are you with me?”

It is dark out when he comes to again, the room illuminated by the soft light of Kuroo’s reading lamp. He is on the sofa, he realizes, buried in a thick blanket. Kuroo sits on the floor next to him, his face and worried expression swimming into view when Keiji blinks his burning eyes open. He nods cautiously, not yet trusting his voice. The silence that follows is long.

“Do you… remember…”

Kuroo does not even have to finish. Keiji remembers. He remembers _real_ good… his life is about to end. At least the life he knew.

“I…” His voice feels foreign in his throat. “I don’t know what to do…” Fresh tears start leaking. Kuroo is silent for a long moment.

“D-does Bokuto know?” Keiji feels his all body shudder and tense. It is all the answer Kuroo needs to drop the topic. “You just found out today?”

Another nod. Then silence as Kuroo is thinking.

“We should get you checked… by like, a doctor. Confirm it… maybe the test was wrong after all.”

Keiji knows it was not. Deep down, in his stomach and heart and soul he knows. Something is… something is growing inside him… something is growing in an organ he is not supposed to have and- A sob escapes him.

-

He spends the night on Kuroo’s couch, alternating between dozing fitfully and crying with pure panic in his eyes. The other is always there when he wakes up breathless and in tears, panicked and disoriented… hugging him close and trying to calm him down. The night feels endless and yet, morning comes so much faster than Keiji thought it would.

Kuroo makes an emergency appointment at his clinic for him first thing and they stop at Keiji apartment for him to shower and change. He left his phone behind the night before: 3 missed calls and 15 worried texts from Koutarou laughing up at him when he plugs into the charger. Keiji ignores all of them when he calls in sick at work.

“Ready?” Kuroo keeps his expression carefully neutral, but he must be almost equally anxious. Keiji is sure of it. He nods and they leave his apartment.

The way to the clinic is long and filled with silence, with Kuroo hovering close the whole time. He sits close to Keiji on the train, walks right next to him so their shoulders are touching and sits with him in the waiting room. Right up until they call Keiji in.

“The blood test came out positive.”

His ears are ringing.

“Do you know when you could’ve conceived.”

Keiji stares down at his hand pinching his forearm again. It is littered with bruises by now; blue and violet and green… but he cannot bring himself to care anymore.

“D-december 25th.”

“That would put you at five to six weeks then.”

It is enough time still… enough time to… to… _take care_ of it. Enough time to get everything sorted out and return to his old life… and act like nothing ever happened; because nothing will happen. Nothing… nothing will happen… nothing will have to change… nothing, nothing, nothing.

_Don’t be ridiculous, Keiji. Everything will change._

_One way or another._

He feels like he is about to throw up.

“I’d like to perform an ultrasound, Akaashi-san. Is that okay?”

He nods numbly, letting the nurse lead him down the hallway and into another. The light is bright and blinding, and it feels, as if everything around him disappears.

The doctor slides the wand across his abdomen carefully, thoughtfully… looking, looking, looking… until- She stops, her lips pursed into a thin line.

“This is your… womb…” She seems afraid to name it in his presence. “And this…” She points on a big, dark area on the screen. “This is the amniotic sac.” Keiji’s vision blurs as he stares at it. “And this spot you see here… the flickering… that’s an embryo. And a heartbeat.”

The reality of the situation is crushing him. Hurting him. Suffocating him.

The reality…

The reality…

The reality of him… being… being…

“I’m… I’m pregnant…”


	4. I'm fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a winter break, we continue hurting my poor boy Akaashi :( 
> 
> I decided to split this story up and give it two endings. One will deal with Akaashi choosing to have an abortion and the other will have him go through with the pregnancy. (Since the second version is the one I originally planned, it will probably be a lot longer). To do that, I will upload the fic up to this chapter again (the titles will be the same, with a nod as to what ending they will have). That way, I can hopefully portray this situation more inclusive and realistic :) 
> 
> Enjoy!  
> And visit me on tumblr: https://blacknessfandomcorner2.tumblr.com/  
> And on Insta (or bnha art and stuff): @darkest.blackness

WARNINGS: Mentions and Discussion of Abortion/Hints of gynecological medical procedures.

“…-shi-san?”

He is shaking, staring down at the ultrasound picture he is holding. _Akaashi, Keiji_ is printed in one corner. _Baby, 6 weeks_ is printed in the other.

“Akaashi-san?”

Kuroo squeezing his shoulder has him crashing back into reality. Keiji looks up, looks at his friends worried face, looks at the doctor’s uncomfortable expression- They asked him something, he knows… he just cannot remember what is was.

“I- I’m sorry… I didn’t quiet…” He clears his throat. “…catch that…” His voice feels foreign, like he is listening to someone else talk; far, far away.

The doctor’s smile is kind. “I asked if you wish to continue the pregnancy?”

“I’m a man.” He grips the picture so hard it crinkles. “Men don’t… they don’t get pregnant.”

The silence that follows is heavy.

“Akaashi…” Kuroo looks so sad. So… concerned… affected… Keiji stares back at him blankly. He knows what the other wants to say. He knows that Kuroo, especially Kuroo, would never say it out loud to him. Yet, the implications are clear… Akaashi is a man… but he can also get pregnant. He cannot deny it. Kuroo cannot deny it either… no one can. No matter how much Keiji wants for this to not be reality – it is. His answer just now was not an answer. He knows that too. It is the only thing he knows… other than that, there is only emptiness in his head.

Keiji stands.

“I’ll go home now.”

“Oi, wait!” Kuroo grabs onto his wrist as fast as he can, holding him back. “We have to talk about this!”

He cannot look at him. He just cannot. Keiji stares at his shoes, shoulders shaking. “Kuroo… please…” The other still does not let go. For a long moment, nothing happens – until finally, his gynaecologist stands too.

“It’s fine, Kuroo-san. Akaashi-san. There’s still time. I’ll have the front desk prepare some information pamphlets for you, so you can read up on your options… just give us a call when you’ve decided.”

-

The sky outside is grey. He walks so fast his lungs burn with the cold winter air; the bag of pamphlets clutched closely to his chest. Kuroo is following him – he does not have to turn and check, he just knows. He knows the other is worried. He knows he will not leave him alone, even though all Keiji wants to do just now is curl up under his covers and pretend all of this never happened.

That is not an option though.

_You can’t wish this away, Keiji. It won’t just disappear._

He bites his lip so hard he draws blood.

“Akaashi!” Kuroo’s voice is urgent, but he keeps ignoring it, walking faster… the other just does the same. “Akasshi, wait!” A hand closes around his wrist so suddenly it startles him, turning Keiji around roughly. He does not want to face Kuroo. He does not want to face anyone right now, for that matter.

“We have to talk about this!”

Keiji looks away. “There is nothing to talk about.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Kuroo’s hands find his shoulders, shaking him a little. “You can’t just- just ignore this!”

Oh, he can and he will. At least for now. Keiji still does everything in his power to not look at Kuroo – to avoid his piercing gaze, to ignore the way his brows are furrowed in worry and the shaking of his voice.

_Get away._

_Get away, get away, get away…_

Keiji puts his arms up, pushing Kuroo off gently. He needs space. He needs to get the other off him, to get him to leave him alone, to… to… Keiji feels like he is suffocating, choking on his own voice. “With all due respect Kuroo-san…” He still cannot look him in the eye. “This is none of your business.” Guilt gnaws at his gut, but he just… he cannot deal with this right now. He cannot deal with anything or anyone right now. Keiji wants… he just wants…

He wants to go _home_.

He wants to go home and pretend he does not exist.

Kuroo’s face falls. “None of my business?” It is mumbled at first – as if he is making a shocking discovery. “NONE OF MY BUSINESS?!” He finally, finally steps away from Keiji, looking at him in angry disbelief. Somehow, it does not make him feel any better. “It kinda became my business when I found you in a fucking 7-Eleven, INCHES away from a panic attack!” Kuroo is scary when he is angry, Keiji suddenly realizes. He is scary and so obviously hurt and probably the only person in the world who remotely understands him- and he is about to push him away.

Keiji looks at him, fighting to keep the tears from spilling. “I’m sorry…” It is a broken whisper, barely audible over the noises of the busy main road.

He turns on his heel and walks away then, not looking at Kuroo again. The other does not follow him this time.

-

His apartment looks completely different now. The blinds are open, but it seems dark. Grey. Dull. It just looks just as empty and cold as Keiji feels. He takes his shoes off in the entrance way and sways over to the bed, burying under his blanket in all of his clothes. There, curled into himself, with his face hidden in the soft fabric, reality hits him like a ton of bricks. It feels like it stabs him right in the heart. It feels like it chokes him until he cannot breathe.

_I’m pregnant._

Keiji cries.

He cries, because he is not supposed to be. He cries, because the sheer thought of it can send him into a panic attack. He cries, because his body betrayed him. Again. Again, like it always did – like it always has – starting at the day of his birth right up until now. He cries, because he is so, so scared…

Would Koutarou leave him, if he knew? Would he… would he be sad that Keiji will get rid of it? Would he want to keep it? Abort it? Would he even… want to know?

A thought starts forming that Keiji does not dare to acknowledge just yet.

Vrrr Vrrrr

Vrrr Vrrrr

Vrrr Vrrrr

He is not entirely sure when he fell asleep, but it must have been a while ago. The sky is dark outside now, the apartment even darker, only illuminated by the light his phone gives off. His phone… where Koutarou’s calling him. Keiji stares at it.

And stares at it.

And stares at it some more.

He did not call back Koutarou those last four times he called. He is probably worried… worried sick even, if experience is anything to go by. Keiji hesitates for a long moment, then finally, he picks up the phone.

“KEIJI?!” Just hearing his voice makes his heart race. “KEIJI IS THAT YOU?!” Definitely worried sick.

“Yeah… it’s me…” Fuck, he sounds terrible. Koutarou’s breath audibly hitches over the line. “Are you okay? You sound… hoarse” _You sound like you’ve been crying_. “And you haven’t called me back since yesterday.”

“S-sorry, I…” _I just found out I’m pregnant with your child_. Keiji swallows the rising panic.

_Lie._

_Lie, lie, lie._

“I’m sick… and forgot my phone at work.” There is a pause, an exhale… Koutarou sounds much more relaxed when he starts talking again. “You’re okay though, right?! Nothing serious??”

“N-no… nothing… just a small bug.”

 _It’s nothing. Nothing. Or, it will be nothing as soon as I have taken care of it._ Keiji ignores the crippling feeling of guilt that makes every hair on his body stand up.

“I’ve been sleeping most of the day.”

A satisfied hum. Keiji can hear the grin in his boyfriend’s voice when he starts talking again. “Hey, hey, hey! Don’t worry, I’ll take really good care of you when I come to visit next weekend!”

“NO!”

Before he can stop himself, he screamed it out – heart racing. Koutarou cannot come here. He cannot see him or… or see… the picture… Keiji’s eyes dart towards the entryway, where he dropped the bag of pamphlets the gynaecologist gave him… the ultrasound picture peaks out of it. He can see it even from across the room.

He has to fix this first!

He… he has to take care of it, before the other…!

“….-ji?”

“Keiji?”

“Keiji?!”

Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT! He did not realize he spaced out again- “I’m fine!” It sounds worryingly panicked; he is aware of that. “It’s just- I- I- don’t want you to catch it.” He is far from convincing, he knows. Koutarou knows too, if his silence is any indication.

“Keiji… something’s wrong… isn’t it?”

“No.”

They are both stubborn, not backing down from their position for a long moment. Neither of them speaks; Koutarou waiting for Keiji to open up and Keiji waiting for Koutarou to just leave it be. Finally, he relents, giving in.

“I’m fine… really.” Koutarou stays silent. “Kou-…”

“Okay.” Keiji feels his eyes widen in surprise. “If you say you’re fine… I believe you.”

He bites his lip when fresh tears roll down his cheeks. “Thank you… Koutarou.” He can hear the other smile over the phone and imagines his face: the gently glinting eyes, the slight up-curl of his mouth, reddened cheeks…

“I’m sorry for worrying you.”

_I’m sorry for all of this._

_I’m sorry for what I’ll do._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> An update will follow as soon as it's ready.


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